eek, eine, elvis

welcome again duckies to the bona school of polari. we're rattling through the alphabet now my dears ain't we, and today it's time to bring you the letter E. well everything starts with an e... (sorry)



e is for

eek
meaning face - from back slang ecaf - eek

and

eine
meaning london

eine is a new one to me and especially fantabulous what with the shop shutter alphabet being the work of a bona omee with the very same moniker. would you ever...?


and back in the cold dreary real world e is brought to life by only one thing.

elvis



i've never been much of a one for lists, or charts, or who's your favourite left handed bassist things, but if i was ever to be stuck with the records of just one artiste i'd hope they'd be by elvis. i know lots of them are bloody awful but lots and lots and lots of them aren't. and they're the ones i like. (i think i'm heading for a job on the nationals with insight and journalistic verve like that)



i've been to memphis and everything. gracelands is a true wonder. and we were about ten stone lighter than anybody else there. people were staring and pointing and going 'oooh look - little people'. it was fantastic.



and let's not forget that the boy was beautiful.







it's the 'i really do mean this' dripping from every word in all his best performances that does it, from the muck and filth of the the early days to the swagger of the 68 comeback special and the lonliness and desolation of the million nights in vegas . it's putting on a few pounds elvis i like best, when his voice is the most amazing thing and his karate moves are stage craft itself and the longing of 'i just can't help believing' will rip you apart.



it's easy to be blinded by the fat and the sweat and the sequins but just listen to the voice and every drop of pain he wrings out of 'early mornin rain'. this is the most famous man on the planet and he's living every word. he was dead six weeks later.



to finish off let's have a bit of lithe corrupting smouldery elvis bursting out of a scratched to hell treasured ep and shagging you senseless

elvis presley - one night

elvis presley - that's all right

soft cell soccer suggestions

answers on a postcard please...

if i'm buying your records your career must be in trouble...

out of nowhere the other day a thought popped into the huge empty space in my head -
'are there any recording artistes i like who have had a long and happy career?'
and i couldn't think of any.
generally they make one blinding single, plod on for a bit being slowly rubbisher, then vanish. or they're just about to have dribble of success and something disasterous happens. or they're tortured miserable souls who make records they despise. or they're pretty much every soul singer who either gets ruined by smack or dies horridly. and lets not even think about the whole jazz thing.

what if it's all my fault? what if me liking you is a curse?



cottonmouth were my best friends brothers band and were kind of responsible for making me remember why i liked whatever that music that two guitars bass and drums make is called when i won't call it rock. for about ten years i'd been obsessing about rare soul and jazz and dancing at dingwalls on sunday afternoons and i'd forgotten the joy buzzsaw guitars and tom verlaine singing could bring. after one great single and one with a really good cover they got signed to atlantic and should've been huge, but just as their lp came out some big yank takeover happened and their record got lost and then so did they.
i should never've gone to see them, or bought the singles.
i'm very, very sorry.

cottonmouth - shirts and skins

you can hear the other side of this, which is just as fine, at beatfortwo

i'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on...

this was supposed to go with billy



hopefully next week there'll be something on this thing to prove that i do actually exist in this century...

torment tuesday

tonight should've been at least the play off semi final second leg which really would've been torture , but instead i'll have to wallow in someone else's misery. and billy fury could sure do misery.
great british rock n roll hope, hunt sabateur, recluse, sickly child, enemy of britain's watch committee, and crooner extraordinaire...



it's his later, poppier stuff that gets me - the mad melodramitic ones, but the early stuff of off 'the sound of fury' is pretty darned great too. i never made it to 'the billy fury story' at the end of blackpool's north pier but i'm off to see his statue in liverpool any day now. hopefully there'll be little model billys for the mantlepiece...


billy fury - this diamond ring

you just tape tape tape

many of you little readers probably don't know what this thing above is - well it once caused the death of the music industry (nearly). i continue to fight that good fight by using them to record downloads.
home taping illegal downloads is killing music.
i worry about a world without obsessed teenagers spending hour after should be doing their homework or hanging around outside the chippy hour hunched over a stereo desperately waiting for the stupid radio to play the song that will make a well trained finger stab at the pause button and capture a never to be repeated treasure. or just tape the whole top forty. hell just tape something. can you do that with all that digital stuff? i bet you can and it's just that i'm an idiot and don't know how. and i bet they can all do it loads easier without the station wandering off or turning into the weather forcast in poland or some taxi rank controller. in that case good riddance you stupid bloody cassette.

anyway... i've dug out some old tapes and found some brilliant stuff. peel sessions are everywhere but the other bbc evening shows don't seem to pop up very often. probably because kid jensen, richard skinner, janice long and whoever else was on before peel were such phonies. and because radio one only went fm late on so the reception was always all over the place.
the quality of most of the stuff on the tapes is awful but there's still things worth hearing.
first up is an orange juice session from kid jensen's show. it's the pre rip it up lp stuff and sounds a billion times better in this muddy, terrible reception state. i got the rip it up lp the day it came out and took it back the next day crushed with disappointment.
it was rubbish.
and they looked hilariously stupid in bad stylist make up.
why did you let them do this to you boys..?
oh yeah. a top ten hit.
well i hope it was worth it.


at least they looked their old selves by the time the bloke from the nme came round. here's a thing from october 1982 to get you in the mood.



so here's your tunes, from a battered radio/cassette player in a northern bedroom
in spite of it all is two hearts together in disguise, i can't help myself is still the hit that should've been, and mud in your eye is transformed into something al green would've been proud of.
orange juice - kid jensen session 24th april 1982
in spite of it all
i can't help myself
mud in your eye

world clash day

apparently it's strummer day today which is all a bit lady di for me. i'm not keen. it stinks of mass hysteria and idol worship and horrid phonies. and record company cash.
i stood in the rain on ladbroke grove and raised a clenched fist and fought a trembling lip while fat bald men sobbed on a horrible december 29th a while back but i won't have any part of this.
i will have clash day instead. i'll celebrate the 30th anniversary of their first lp.
and i'll demand people say as many nice things about topper simonon and jones.










the clash are still a mystery to me - i can't explain why they still excite me and how they stir my old punk heart. i mean there's the records obviously, but if we're brutal that's just half a first lp, a couple of singles, one song off of 'give em enough rope, a side of 'london calling', the odd bit of sandinista, ''straight to hell' and you're done. but then i adore sandinista in all it's sprawling messy glory even if i can't remember the last time i played that much of it, i nicked off school for london calling and read every bit of cover and inserts and runout groove on the bus home, and those singles are complete control and white man in hammersmith palais. i never bought cut the crap but still braved alsatians in the lobby at brixton to see them one last time.
and they were rock which i despise and they left us in the grip of thatcher with only the specials for protection so they could support the who (for gawd sakes) and combat rock was so pityfully bad (but i'm glad topper made a few quid) but then i play armagideon time and always shout 'okay okay..don't push us when we're.. hot' and i forgive them almost anything...


so we'll have none of this deifiction of strummer. no one bought melscaleros records, everyone laughed at his acting (although he's great in mystery train), he looked awful with that mohican, and he should've never sacked jones. but we'll miss him.

let's just put on our classics and have a litle dance

stay free kills me. every single time. i'm a bit teary just thinking about it.
the clash - stay free
and it's typical that a cover version on a b side ended up being almost my favourite thing
the clash - armagideon time

i've only just discovered the scrapped mick jones version of combat rock, rat patrol from fort bragg, which all of a sudden makes should i stay or should i go listenable again. you can download the whole lp from these nice people

happy clash day my friends.


and if you've forgotten just how beautiful a live thing they could be here's a reminder...


there's a lovely proper moving strummer tribute by the fabulous buckeroo kid that will bring a lump to your throat here

dolly, diddle, duckie

it's polari time again and this time we've got some of my favourites... you should be able to shove these into your everyday patter with the greatest of ease



d is for
dolly
meaning dear, or lovely, or attractive even.
as in 'how bona to vada your dolly old eke' or for the slightly less experienced why not try 'grand to see you my dolly old pal'. you'll get the hang of it in no time.

and there's
diddle
meaning gin from which we get the brilliant
diddle-cove which is your new name for the off- license

and we couldn't possibly not have
duckie
my favourite form of address.
oh hello duckie. (think leslie philips playing gay)

there, now you should have now excuse.

d is also for

dawdle
i like the definition 'to move slowly, languidly, or dilatorily' (what's dilatorily?)

and for your reward for all that hard work here's
dee dee bridgewater
you'd think people would write more songs for their children but i can't think of many. there's that awful awful john lennon horror, and gil scott heron's heartbreaking 'your daddy loves you', and there's this joyful explosion of love

dee dee bridgewater - little b's poem



and i couldn't quite let d go by without a bit of de la soul at their spring bank holiday weekendest.

essential viewing

you really must see these...

the world of kane people have dug up the stroppiest, sulkiest pop performance i've ever seen. well done sandie shaw. there's bernard cribbins singing 'right said fred' to accompany your bank holiday diy too.
and
whistle test wednesday and top of the pops tuesday over at i'm not always so stupid gives you the go betweens at their arched eyebrowed finest, teenage kicks, and all manner of wonderful stuff.
and then
go and play on the medium cool jukebox

now you don't have to moan that there's nothing on telly.

shopping

i hate shopping. it's because i'm way past fussy. i need shoes desperately but i can't find any i like. trainers i can do because you can only wear stan smiths, superstars, nizzas, jack purcells, or all stars. that is more choice than anyone could ever need. and there are some vans too , at a push.


occasionally shopping is easy. today you can buy the waltones lp. just like that. you can go in a shop and ask for it, or you can get it from piccadilly records for 7.99 or even download it from cherry red. easy. it's all their medium cool singles and lp and an unreleased single and some other stuff, and in case you're worrying - yes it does have that one that starts ' wipe this gravy off my jumper', one of the most fantastic opening lines ever to grace seven inches of black plastic.


to get you in the mood for a weekend of guitary pop joy here's one of their noisier ones off of a peel session
the waltones - smile (peel session 24.08.88)
you've got to hand it to 'em

because the clash always make everything better. i know it wasn't a great single but it's all i could lay my hands on at this time in the morning. and i meant to be all may dayey and rowdy but as usual i didn't know what day it was and forgot.