stop messing about

a piddling eight months since your last installment the bona school of polari brings you hot on it's very heels lesson four flipping teen. keep up now you small boys.




nanti - no, nothing, nada (remember h honeys when we had handbag... nanti handbag is just so much much swisher than skint)

nochy - night (back to b again my beauties and bona... now good night will always be bona nochy)

it's all coming together now dear hearts ain't it. have a treat and give yourselves a warm hand

julian and sandy - bona nature clinic

n could only be for nancy now couldn't it... have we had this before? we must have surely. it's madly close to my heart

nancy wilson - call me

x

stop messing about

abcdefghijkl we've 'ad em all round here darlin' done and dusted zhooshed and titivated till they were your actual fabest of fabulosity and now without no futher heeeeeeeeres ...




mauve - because everyone gets lavender

mogue - because lying's so common

measures - because lucre's filthy


keep at it duckies and be bold be bold


the chairmen of the board...

julian and sandy - bona pets

adventures in paradise...

minnie ripperton - baby, this love i have

punk legends...

marine girls - tutti lo sanno

x

let's get lavender!

sweet omis darling palones welcome welcome to the ever fantabulosa bona school of polari!

it's been a time and a half i know duckies but we're back we're back we're back...

for the poor dears who've been as shoddy as we have and haven't the foggiest what's going on fret not cos none of us know neither but the gist of it something like...

'fed up with not having the slightest what your modern top deckers are rattling on about ?'
'want to make catty comments about your fellow boozers without getting a punch on the nose ?'
'want to impress the ladies and wow the gents ?'
well here at the bona school we're reviving the lost art of polari - the native tongue of the louche the limp the theatrical the terrible deviant - and bringing it to you free and easy as nature probably didn't intend it one bit in alphabetical order and with a top tune as reward for all your hard graft. now doesn't that sound lovely ?
we'd just about crawled up to j last time but before we dive back in let's have a quick review of the words we've learned already and then maybe you can all have a bit of go at at showing off your skills...so...

A
ajax - nearby or next to
aunt nells - ears
aunt nell -listen
auntie - old chap
B
bold - daring, outrageous, brazen
bona - good
bungery - public house
bugle - nose
C
cabouche - car
charper - to seek or look for
charpering omi - policeman
cod - vile
chavvies - children
and one for the more daring - clean the kitchen - rim
D
diddle - gin
diddle cove - off license
dolly - lovely, attractive
duckie - our favourite term of endearment
E
eek - face
ends - hair
eine - london
F
fantabulosa - wonderful
foofs - bosoms
fortuni - gorgeous
G
gildy - fancy
gamp - umbrella
goolie ogle fakes - sunglasses
H
handbag - money
heartface - dear
I
it - a sexual partner
J
joobs - bosoms
jarry - food, to eat
jogger - to play, sing, entertain
joggering omi - entertainer

which brings us right slap bang up to date and zooming off into the unknown with...k

which typically is another slighly lean one but we have got

kaffies - trousers
and for the seriously stylish - kapello - a cloak (we like a cloak round here as it goes)

hell let's go mad and do l too cos there's loads of good ones for l


is for

lally - it's your lovely legs isn't it
lappers - hands
lattie - house or flat
letty - bed
lau - to place or to put
and
lav - which with bona gives you bona lavs - best wishes

i hope that's not all going to be too much for you my dolly little dears and that you forgive our shoddy shambles of a keeping up effort. have some tunes to keep you going...

k can only be for kenny and you know it

kenny rogers - lucille

and an extra folk funk (one of my favourite genre combinations as it goes) classic

kenny rankin - in the name of love

and i've been waiting for ever for l to come round so we can have the super special extra delicious mr little anthony and the imperials. only precious beauty could ever come from from a record adorned with such a name. for you - a dancer and a weeper...

little anthony and the imperials - better use your head


little anthony and the imperials - hurt so bad

and finally to help you along with you new and fabulosa skills - a demonstration by the experts. listen and learn children... and show off in the box provided.

julian and sandy - keep britain bona

xx

bona broadcasting

i know i know i'm a lazy good for nothing nogoodnik who never gets round to nuffink and we're getting so behind here it's ridiculous but what the hell eh? bugger it. we'll get there in the end and what with kenneth off with that windsor woman again up to heaven knows ...

the bona school of polari presents


j ain't up to much i'm afraid. a bit like i. and h come to think of it.
we could try

jarry meaning eat or food, short for mangarie, but it's not all that really is it. sorry about this.
at least on civvy street we get

jugs
everyone's favourite for bosoms.

we'll be back on track with k i promise duckies.


on a night out in dire bar eating awful food recently someone actually came out with " god you don't still listen to the june brides do you ?". really they did, honest. i know. it's amazing isn't it ? i mean it's a funny old world i know but really... i suppose it's possible, i mean if you've had a bonk on the noggin and forgotten about everything fantastic that you could not still listen to the june brides but it'd have to've been a pretty massive bonk. a piano falling on you or something at the very least.
so in the spirit of goodwill and all and as a special favour to all those poor amnesiacs and everyone else who might've lost their way let's june brides ...



the june brides - josef's gone

and i can't be the only one who hears some of lambeths finest in this chicago heartbreaker can i?

ten city - that's the way love is

as a sleek and stylish young thing i trolled about all over the godam place with a carrier bag full of fanzines and a heart filled with joy whenever the june brides were there too. gawd bless em.





that should do it - feeling better now i hope sweethearts. smashing.

now buy the every conversation best of here

and just cos we can't possibly do j without him and so at least there's the merest hint of hard working round here ...

the j.b's - bring it up

j.b's comin' through

oh the shame of it

i'm sorry so very very sorry. i've not just let you down i've let myself down. and the fantabulosa institution that is the bona school of polari. i can't think of any words that begin with i. it's a disaster. i know i know... you're not angry you're just disappointed.
and i dread to think what kenneth will have to say.


i suppose at a push we could have the oh so obvious

it
meaning a sexual partner but i think that's just being desperate. i'm a disgrace really i am.
i do keep meaning to ask for a gin & it when i'm down the boozer but invariably get swayed by a vodka & slimline dave (on the slate, half a lager for the boy) but shall try harder from now and titter to myself slyly as i do. although gin can make me a bit teary on the wrong sort of day so i'd best be careful.

at least the everyday folk have ice cream to cheer them

i scream
you scream
we all scream
for ice cream
(ideally sung in an italian accent. and with tom waits, who i can't imagine liking ice cream much)

to make up for such a poor show here is very probably the greatest single in the whole world. an a and b side of such enormous brilliance that you'll be stalking ebay and digging through over stuffed cardboard boxes till you weep even though you've obviously got both tracks on the young mods forgotten story lp already. sometimes only a 45 will do.

the impressions - choice of colors
the impressions - mighty mighty spade & whitey

hello heartface

now i know we're renowned for our lax and shoddy ways round here but three months between lessons is kind of ridiculous so let's leap right into polari mode before kenneth realises just how bad we've been. if he catches you tell him you've been in tangier with babs or something...


h is for

handbag meaning money. nante handbag is so much nicer than skint now ain't it

and for

heartface your new favourite term of affection

to get us back up to speed we could probably do with a bit of help from kenneth and hugh so listen carefully duckies

julian and sandy - bona prods

as a rule we only thank our american chums for quality tunes and spelling doughnuts donuts but today we'll add a US of Stateside greeting i wish we heard more here...

howdy
most especially grand in a howdy ladies, you're looking mighty fine this morning kind of way(as actually in real life said to us in a nowhere town on route 66 ("we were somewhere around barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold") by a lovely wrecked already old boy) or anything involving hat tipping.

i couldn't decide on a record so to make up ever so slightly for keeping you waiting so long have two.

lush stereolab croony lovliness

high llamas - cookie bay

and a mad collision of modal and latin jazz


horace parlan - congalegre

summer school

some of you young scamps may think you're on holiday now but the bona school never closes. we're at it all day and every night with barely enough time off for a round of crazy golf down the arnold palmer and a celebratory gin and it with the coarse pro.


so here's... g!

g is for

goolie ogle fakes - why say sunglasses when this is so much easier

and

groinage meaning jewelery. you know it's what gerald ratner would've used

and

gildy meaning fancy


and back in the world of the slightly less limp wristed g is for

good gawd as on 'oh my good gawd' as said by captain of industry arthur daley about ten times every episode of minder and even more in our house what with arthur being one of our all time favourite dodgy londoners of all time.
and i want membership of the winchester. ' vodka slimline please dave, and put it on the slate'.
we've recently ploughed through all of the sweeney and all but the last two serieses of minder and i can't recommend them enough.



and what with me still feeling a bit punky and angular this morning g can be for the gang of four as well.


gang of four - damaged goods

fantabulosa!

it's polari time again duckies and after a brief, well alright not that brief, bit of getting sidetracked and easily distracted let's have a go at f.


f is for

fantabulosa
meaning marvelous fantastic and even more than fabulosa

and

foofs
your new favourite word for busoms

and speaking of foofs our straight word of choice has to be fondle. go on , you know you want to...


f is also for those happy clappy sunshine poppy kite flying stereolabalikes the free design. i only heard this lot a couple of years ago and laughed my little socks off in a so that's where they got it from kind of a way.

the free design - bubbles

and i couldn't let f go without a blast of levi stubbs and the boys at their finger popping finest. it's easy to forget your motown classics in the mad search for rare gems and trainspotty glory and i'm horridly guilty of not playing these anything like enough. the backing vocals alone made me see the terrible error of my ways

eek, eine, elvis

welcome again duckies to the bona school of polari. we're rattling through the alphabet now my dears ain't we, and today it's time to bring you the letter E. well everything starts with an e... (sorry)



e is for

eek
meaning face - from back slang ecaf - eek

and

eine
meaning london

eine is a new one to me and especially fantabulous what with the shop shutter alphabet being the work of a bona omee with the very same moniker. would you ever...?


and back in the cold dreary real world e is brought to life by only one thing.

elvis



i've never been much of a one for lists, or charts, or who's your favourite left handed bassist things, but if i was ever to be stuck with the records of just one artiste i'd hope they'd be by elvis. i know lots of them are bloody awful but lots and lots and lots of them aren't. and they're the ones i like. (i think i'm heading for a job on the nationals with insight and journalistic verve like that)



i've been to memphis and everything. gracelands is a true wonder. and we were about ten stone lighter than anybody else there. people were staring and pointing and going 'oooh look - little people'. it was fantastic.



and let's not forget that the boy was beautiful.







it's the 'i really do mean this' dripping from every word in all his best performances that does it, from the muck and filth of the the early days to the swagger of the 68 comeback special and the lonliness and desolation of the million nights in vegas . it's putting on a few pounds elvis i like best, when his voice is the most amazing thing and his karate moves are stage craft itself and the longing of 'i just can't help believing' will rip you apart.



it's easy to be blinded by the fat and the sweat and the sequins but just listen to the voice and every drop of pain he wrings out of 'early mornin rain'. this is the most famous man on the planet and he's living every word. he was dead six weeks later.



to finish off let's have a bit of lithe corrupting smouldery elvis bursting out of a scratched to hell treasured ep and shagging you senseless

elvis presley - one night

elvis presley - that's all right

dolly, diddle, duckie

it's polari time again and this time we've got some of my favourites... you should be able to shove these into your everyday patter with the greatest of ease



d is for
dolly
meaning dear, or lovely, or attractive even.
as in 'how bona to vada your dolly old eke' or for the slightly less experienced why not try 'grand to see you my dolly old pal'. you'll get the hang of it in no time.

and there's
diddle
meaning gin from which we get the brilliant
diddle-cove which is your new name for the off- license

and we couldn't possibly not have
duckie
my favourite form of address.
oh hello duckie. (think leslie philips playing gay)

there, now you should have now excuse.

d is also for

dawdle
i like the definition 'to move slowly, languidly, or dilatorily' (what's dilatorily?)

and for your reward for all that hard work here's
dee dee bridgewater
you'd think people would write more songs for their children but i can't think of many. there's that awful awful john lennon horror, and gil scott heron's heartbreaking 'your daddy loves you', and there's this joyful explosion of love

dee dee bridgewater - little b's poem



and i couldn't quite let d go by without a bit of de la soul at their spring bank holiday weekendest.

abc

and this week kenneth opens his doors to the letter c.
now that you're getting the hang of this polari lark i think it's time we gave you a few more words to learn each bijou lesson, something to really sink your bexleys into. so my dears, here's...



c is for

charper
meaning to seek or look
from which we get...
charpering omee
a policeman!

and we'll have
chavvies
meaning children

and to introduce a bit of filth how's about
cleaning the kitchen
which all you perverse deviants will already know as rimming. shocking i'm sure.

next week we'll try to string a few things together to give you a few choice phrases to throw into your delightful conversations, so get practicing duckies...


the best english c word is definately
cuddle
everyone loves a good cuddle, and it's so much better than a hug. i generally insist on the standard north london pronunciation which turns L into W, the whole thing kind of ends up cahdawl (or something). think a much softer eastenders and you're halfway there.


c is also for deeply missed, ever wonderful
curtis mayfield
i feel like something stirring and majestic this morning so let's have 'right on for the darkness' off of 'back to the world'. soul heaven.

curtis mayfield - right on for the darkness

polari time

so here we are at week two already - i hope you've been practicing and spent the whole time sat on your aris...


b is for ...

bona meaning good, grand, nice, lovely
as in the bona school of polari, and 'how bona to vada your dolly old eke'.
and instead of the dull old 'good night' let's try ' bona nochy' sweeties.

b is also for

bugger!
if i had to count the number of times i say this every day i'd spend all day counting. it goes very well with arse!.
apparently popular with footballers.

and b is also for

bill evans who everybody digs.
'peace piece' got old gilles peterson sacked from jazz fm on the eve of the last gulf war and sadly is just as apt today.



bill evans - peace piece

a to z

omis and palones... we are proud to present... the bona school of polari!

so zoosh your riah, grab your darkest ogle fakes, and let's get cracking, duckies.

inspired by my old pal david callahan's champion ranting " the internet's just about being being cool and having good musical taste but doing fuck all" (hear the whole genius interview on the rain fell down )

the bona school - in 26 funpacked installments we'll be ...

- teaching you a word in polari

- picking a favourite english word

- illustrating the weeks letter with a picture from the eine shop shutter graffiti alphabet

- playing you a tune

fantabulosa!

so this week it's ... (wait for it, wait for it) ...

a is for ...

aris meaning bottom , bottle and glass - bottle - aristotle - aris

as in ' oooh, 'ave a vada at his baggy old aris! '

a is also for ...

arse! a gloriously wide ranging expletive i use with alarming regularity , although i do think it's best in a 'cor blimey , look at that arse on that' kind of a way, particularly when you're pointing but trying not to get caught pointing.

our american chums will know this as ass but that's just wrong - tits and arse my friends, tits and arse.

and a is also for ...

alton ellis the king of studio one soul. scratchy as hell but lovely.

alton ellis - can i change my mind