Friday 28 December 2007

romantic embelishments of real life

surely you must be sick of telly by now (and don't call me shirley) so how's about a go at creating your own pictures in your clever old noggins as you listen along to the most marvelous sherlock holmes adaptations you'll find anywhere ever great detective or not.
originally broadcast on radio four and starring clive merrison and michael williams the whole darned collected stories now live in a big box of cassettes that i'd carry with me always if i had a bag big enough but instead are guarded by particularly vicious monsters under the bed. i assume there are cds of them these days and i can't recommend them enough.
it's watson that is the heart of these for me - his honour and loyalty and love for his friend, and the best stories by far centre on the relationship between him and holmes rather than some mad impossible mystery or foul crime. and i love how they exist as fictional characters within the stories themselves, how we're being let into their real lives. oh and all sorts of other things. i'm rubbish at explaining why i like stuff, especially when i'm not in a dingy boozer with a glass or three of something lovely.
so listen for yourselves.

the casebook of sherlock holmes - the lion's mane

Tuesday 25 December 2007

it's a cracker

two cannibals are eating a clown.
one says to the other "does this taste funny to you ?"


Monday 24 December 2007

okay so i'm a last minute just in the nick of time kinda gal but my attention span barely stretches seven inches so my xmas excitement only starts about now with today overflowing with panic, increasingly drunker shopping, and shoddy wrapping. and an xmas howdy doodie to y'all.

i can't bear festive tunes as a strictly observed rule, not even the elvis xmas lp, but the ronettes sound like they'd cut you up bad if you didn't get all noely with them, and like they're singing chewing gum with a fag in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other. and let's not think about the switchblade in the beehive. and there's definately a london accent mixed in there somewhere. it's lovely weaver for a sleigh ride togever wiv you. not in manchester it ain't obviously. it's bleedin' raining.

ronettes - sleigh ride

and like good ol' bltp i've got a soft spot for hem. they gave this little beauty away last year.

hem - have yourself a merry little christmas

Friday 21 December 2007

thankyou my dears

a hundred posts. who'd've thought it. i blame you lot. i'd've lost interest in this ages ago if you hadn't kept writing stuff that thrilled and tickled and moved me and introduced me to songs and books and films and ideas that i'm amazed i ever got by with without. you're ace. so thankyou.

these are a very small, but especially treasured, bunch of tunes from the last few months that i'm madly grateful for in case anyone missed them. fantabulosa!

planet mondo for the flirtations - nothing but a heartache

iron leg for glen campbell - guess i'm dumb

pogo a gogo for wild billy childish and the buff medways - medway wheelers

the ghost of electricity for tom waits - grapefruit moon

for chuck jackson & maxine brown - love is a hurting thing

there's a squillion more, marvelous stuff everyday, that i could fill pages with, but i've got packing to do and xmas shopping to panic about and a trip to the seaside to fit in...

bona lavs duckies


photo by squid ink

Monday 17 December 2007


okay my sweet lovely treasures

the winner is....

(of the first of many cos i've got all carried away with it intros competition if you've not been keeping up)


so it goes
teenage kicker steve with 9 ! hoorah !

and those pesky tunes were ...

michael jackson - rock with you
human league - being boiled
jackie wilson - i get the sweetest feeling
stiff little fingers - suspect device
the tornados - telstar
bernard cribbins - right said fred
roy orbison - only the lonely
glen campbell - rhinestone cowboy
gang of four - love like anthrax
the shangri la's - give him a great big kiss

i thought they were blindingly obvious despite the mrs's protestations but it turns out she was right (as usual) and no one, not a sausage, got the gang of four one apart from spud who guessed right but didn't know the song. i've always thought of anthrax as kind of their signature tune but what the hell do i know...
and only steve got rock with you. which was super easy. really really super easy. really.

just listen. and dance.

michael jackson - rock with you

young gifted and black. and with at least a bit of his soul intact. the poor old sod.

anyway thank you ever so my dears for all your sterling efforts. i hope it all took up valuable work hours. just rememember you're all winners in my book. but steve gets a prize winging it's way to south korea.

in case anyone's feeling left out how's about a bit of the orange juice record prize to cheer you

orange juice - intuition told me

thanks again everyone. i love you all.

Thursday 13 December 2007

glitter ball

to ease your quiz weary brains and get your move busting areas loose and lovely a block party classic.

unlimited touch - i hear music in the streets

be careful now or you'll do yourself an injury

Sunday 9 December 2007

pop quiz hotshot

win win win

do you want this record ?

some poor misguided soul gave orange juice's heroic butchering of al green to the oxfam shop and in another of our fantabulosa giveaways you can be the lucky blighter to give the little treasure a new home. i'm excited myself and i've already got a copy...

all you have to do my sweets is guess some intros from your favourite pop hits. easy peasy. there's ten of them and if you've got my records you'll be laughing. apart from at the sad ones obviously.

super spectacular intros competition

so hey ho let's go... answers to the usual and i'll pick a winner at random if there's a draw.
leave a comment if you like and let us know how many you got (but don't put the answers so everyone else can join in)


Saturday 1 December 2007

bona broadcasting

i know i know i'm a lazy good for nothing nogoodnik who never gets round to nuffink and we're getting so behind here it's ridiculous but what the hell eh? bugger it. we'll get there in the end and what with kenneth off with that windsor woman again up to heaven knows ...

the bona school of polari presents

j ain't up to much i'm afraid. a bit like i. and h come to think of it.
we could try

jarry meaning eat or food, short for mangarie, but it's not all that really is it. sorry about this.
at least on civvy street we get

everyone's favourite for bosoms.

we'll be back on track with k i promise duckies.

on a night out in dire bar eating awful food recently someone actually came out with " god you don't still listen to the june brides do you ?". really they did, honest. i know. it's amazing isn't it ? i mean it's a funny old world i know but really... i suppose it's possible, i mean if you've had a bonk on the noggin and forgotten about everything fantastic that you could not still listen to the june brides but it'd have to've been a pretty massive bonk. a piano falling on you or something at the very least.
so in the spirit of goodwill and all and as a special favour to all those poor amnesiacs and everyone else who might've lost their way let's june brides ...

the june brides - josef's gone

and i can't be the only one who hears some of lambeths finest in this chicago heartbreaker can i?

ten city - that's the way love is

as a sleek and stylish young thing i trolled about all over the godam place with a carrier bag full of fanzines and a heart filled with joy whenever the june brides were there too. gawd bless em.

that should do it - feeling better now i hope sweethearts. smashing.

now buy the every conversation best of here

and just cos we can't possibly do j without him and so at least there's the merest hint of hard working round here ...

the j.b's - bring it up

j.b's comin' through

Monday 26 November 2007

dead popstars

poor old winehouse. looks like the screaming hoards of scum will only be happy when she's gone. preferably really really horridly with tons of suffering and degradation. then everyone'll be able to love her again and maybe one or two of them will wish they hadn't been so mean.
i can only guess that the poor dears shows recently have absolutely had to happen or else cos i can't for the life of me think who would think it would be a good idea to put a wrecked heartbroken treasure who's husband has just been dragged away in handcuffs and ain't coming back for a long long time on a whopping great stage and told to be entertaining. hello birmingham i love you all.
she's hardly a happy little sausage at the best of times. i mean listen to her records sweethearts for crying out loud. even on her monster smash she thinks donny hathaway is a good and healthy role model. splattered on the pavement at 33 it is then.
be nice to her people for gawds sake or we'll all be sorry.
just look what happened to ms holiday.

billie holiday - lover man (oh where can you be)

and it's impossible to think of winehouse and not go straight to the girl groups pile. a couple of crystals tunes seem scarily appropriate.

the crystals - he's a rebel

the crystals - he hit me (and it felt like a kiss)

Saturday 24 November 2007

get your stinking hands off my record

so i've tried to think about the songs that no bugger should ever fiddle with ever again if they value their kneecaps. these are the fine and beautiful suggestions we got on our first go.

planet mondo - john martyn may you never
davy h - surf's up by the beach boys/brian wilson
mrs h - the jam's town called malice
rob - maceo parker's soul of a blackman
fire escape - heaven must have sent you by the elgins
brogues - glen campbell galveston
pretty much everyone - 'witchita lineman' and what's going on
me - the clash white man in hammersmith palais
cricketer by his harperness;the heart of saturday night by tom waits; heaven or las vegas by the cocteaus; all bacharach & david songs recorded by Dionne Warwick
bacharach & david's close to you the carpenters take
move on up
love will tear us apart
the stranglers' golden brown, sex pistols'pretty vacant
neil young cinnamon girl
i hate hate by razzy and the neighbourhood kids
the angels' my boyfriend's back
cold heart by the jasmine minks and stop that girl by vic godard & the subway sect
hip hip by hurrah!
and don't touch cattle and cane.

the thing is the more i worry about it the more songs i want to hide from all the evil little devils who would do them harm and now there's no room under the floorboards for the bundles of cash the vat man will never see and if i'm not careful i'm going to have to make some room in the lock up. it's getting all out of hand.

but i really really must add
rose royce - wishing on a star

tom waits - i'm still here

there's 20 million more and some even made this century but if i don't stop now i'll go completely bananas...

Friday 23 November 2007

don't you want me baby

poor old richard brautigan - you can't give his books away. i'm not suprised he blew his brains out. just tell us a joke and "so the wind won't blow it all away" is all yours. my dad is brilliant at jokes but i can never remember them long enough to repeat them. i missed out on the comedy gene and got the ridiculously short legs and the whopping hooter instead. and why are those american titty bars (sorry tiddy bars) named after noses? anyway at least i'll try a joke to get you started...

a dog limps into a saloon and says "i'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

help me somebody.

there's more fun packed fab giveaways coming up once i've had a bit of a dig about so keep your eyes peeled.

dusty springfield - you don't own me

Wednesday 14 November 2007

so the wind won't blow it all away

it breaks my heart when i find books in charity shops with messages of love in them. beautiful gifts gone unloved. and when there's one in a book that should be treasured forever however you came upon it it's just diabolical. imagine parting with the present of a richard brautigan book. what a bleedin' rotter.

come on in - read novel -
it's on table in front room
- i'll be back in two hours

i would rattle on and on about why i love richard brautigans books and what they're about and why you should read them but as you'll well know if you've read any of the rest of the muck on here i'm an idiot. so the best thing i can think of to do is find a couple of bits for you to listen to then you can make your own minds up.

richard brautigan - revenge of the lawn
jarvcast 3 - excerpt from the tokyo montana express

ps - cocker does a smashing job of telling stories and there are five more jarvcasts via itunes.

pps - i've already got a copy of 'so the wind won't blow it all away' packed away waiting desperately to be on a shelf gathering dust when it gets back home so if you'd like the charity shop liberated copy tell us a joke and it's yours.

Friday 9 November 2007

oh the shame of it

i'm sorry so very very sorry. i've not just let you down i've let myself down. and the fantabulosa institution that is the bona school of polari. i can't think of any words that begin with i. it's a disaster. i know i know... you're not angry you're just disappointed.
and i dread to think what kenneth will have to say.

i suppose at a push we could have the oh so obvious

meaning a sexual partner but i think that's just being desperate. i'm a disgrace really i am.
i do keep meaning to ask for a gin & it when i'm down the boozer but invariably get swayed by a vodka & slimline dave (on the slate, half a lager for the boy) but shall try harder from now and titter to myself slyly as i do. although gin can make me a bit teary on the wrong sort of day so i'd best be careful.

at least the everyday folk have ice cream to cheer them

i scream
you scream
we all scream
for ice cream
(ideally sung in an italian accent. and with tom waits, who i can't imagine liking ice cream much)

to make up for such a poor show here is very probably the greatest single in the whole world. an a and b side of such enormous brilliance that you'll be stalking ebay and digging through over stuffed cardboard boxes till you weep even though you've obviously got both tracks on the young mods forgotten story lp already. sometimes only a 45 will do.

the impressions - choice of colors
the impressions - mighty mighty spade & whitey

Monday 5 November 2007

working on a building of love

being the thrill a minute explosion of excitement and glamour that i am i spent the weekend making a cardboard model of the empire state building (well the much more patient skillful mrs did the tricky bits) then taking pictures of it. you'll never hear anyone say i don't know how to have a good time.

deee lite - deee lite theme

Friday 2 November 2007

sometimes you're better off not knowing

once upon i time i was dumb enough to think studying something i loved was a good plan. thankfully i got stuck in the scala and the everyman and the rio and the renoir and i never got the time to have the magic and the wonder sucked out of me cos we all just know that stuff with jimmy stewart in it is good because it's stuff with jimmy stewart in it and laurel and hardy are just funny and that chinatown will tear you up

jerry goldsmith - love theme from chinatown

Thursday 1 November 2007

you can't hide your love forever

songs of revolution and freedom come from the oddest places sometimes and if you ever prayed for an anthem for all the poor souls who've had to hide their love away it couldn't be more perfectly answered than in the technicolor rooting tooting buckskin thigh slapping sensation that is doris day in calamity jane. she says it all so i don't have to. open your heart and sing.

doris day - secret love

Tuesday 30 October 2007

one day we will all be free

if you don't cry almost all the way through spartacus you're a heartless bastard. i start if i see it in the telly listings. it used to be at the bit when jean simmons is sent to his cell and he's all heroic and whatnot and the first quiet swoon of the love theme creeps in but now i know that's coming i just can't stop myself. i daren't even think about the rest or i'll be ruined all day.

yusef lateef - love theme from spartacus


okay okay so i forgot trouble man. i know. i'm even stupider than i look. and shaft and shaft in africa and across 110th street. but all that's filling my tiny brain are songs out of films that i don't know the rest of the soundtrack of. theme tunes. big numbers. the magnificent seven. robert vaughn was my favourite.
elmer bernstein - the magnificent seven

Sunday 28 October 2007

she's been a scrubber all her life

apparently purple rain is the best film soundtrack ever. i didn't get as far as finding out who decided this what with all the seething and cursing and general unreasonableness. everyone knows it's superfly. everyone. then there's a great big pile of one from the hearts and morricones and the harder they comes and even grosse point blanks for gawds sake. and up the junctions.

the pretending life's a song gang were drooling over suzy kendall last week, like you do, and reminded me to dig out my manfred mann lp. i know it should make me think of sixties south london but it actually takes me right back to san francisco 1999 where my dearest old pal played it daily with some champion singing along and mad dancing. and of dennis waterman who's managed to be in three of my favourite telly shows. and of how i've not seen the bloody film. how i've missed it all these years is a mystery but there you go. anyhow i think we'll have a week of film music to encourage whoever it was that made a crap list to have another go.

manfred mann - up the junction

Wednesday 24 October 2007

girls kissing

this weeks nuts magazine is a 69 girls kissing special. you can't move these days for girl on girl action. they all have boyfriends who don't mind them fondling some other glamourpuss you know. what's happened to all the evil predatory lesbians vic godard warned us about? and if i'm to believe all that nuts tells me why isn't he encouraging his girl to get together with the little vixen who's after her so he can watch? lesbians are always desperate for a man to join in apparently. poor old vic. imagine the fun he could've had.
vic godard and the subway sect - stop that girl

i've been shouting along to ambition for nearly 30 years now and i still only know a handfull of the words. i won't be tempted by vile evils cos vile evils are vile evils is sometimes all you need to know.
subway sect - ambition

Monday 22 October 2007

i'm so excited

by my reckoning the 19th and 25th of november will be big nights for london's babysitters what with every creaking old soak heading out to celebrate dear edwyn's return to the stage so book em in now sweethearts before it's too late. i know he's playing in that camden first but camden smells and we'll all be needing a little sit down in a nice theatre not a sticky dancefloor with nowhere to put your coat. and we get vic godard.
for those of you who can't get there that nice mr collins is doing a live webcast (how modern...) tonight at 7 o'clock
edwyn collins live webcast tonight at 7

way way way back long ago we pretended to interview edwyn for the first horrific go at a rubbish fanzine. sat upstairs in the cambridge in soho with a whopping great radio/cassette with a comedy built in microphone we forgot everything we were going to ask him and tried to keep up with his trips to the bar. on the way home i had to get off the tube to be sick. being the considerate kind soul what i am i tried to be sick in a bin (there used to be bins on platforms children where could put rubbish - imagine that) but it cleverly had no bottom so i was sick on my shoes. a night to treasure all round then. somehow from the tinny garbled noise left on the tape we managed to cobble together this mess.

and to get you in the mood how about the b side of don't shilly shally
edwyn collins - if ever you're ready

Friday 19 October 2007

so wrong it's gotta be right

still obsessing about cover versions and the perfect song and i'm impressed by how sweet and nice and generous lots of you are, not minding who ruins you're favourites like you do. i'm a much more mean and vicious soul who'd tear the throat out of anyone who even looked at some of my records funny let alone started trying to sing them. i'll try and get a list (ooooh a list) together of stuff to slap a preservation order on next week so get any last minute changes of heart in quick.
if you must to have a go at a classic for gawds sake try your best to follow the studio one recipe - wild guess at most of the words + out of tune pub piano + sir coxsone dodd = stomping gloriously over rod and cat and everyone and turning out fabulous

norma frazer - the first cut is the deepest

Tuesday 16 October 2007

Monday 15 October 2007

what the world needs now

okay so i'm getting obsessed by this goddamn listed songs thing. i can't stop thinking of songs to keep safe from harm. one minute there are hundreds the next they've all go jumbled in my noggin and i can't think of any. except if you want me to stay by sly and the family stone. but more of that later.
every good cover (and a million things besides) is safe in the hands of sergio mendes
and brasil 66. i stress brasil 66 because the silly old duffer went and almost spoiled everything by getting caught up in some terrible remix thing involving black eyed peas and all sorts of equally foul beasts for which i find it hard to forgive. never mind, at least we have 66 and most of 77 come to think of it. love music is ace. a sunday afternoon at dingwalls classic. anyway...wouldn't it've been nice if that mccartney and lennon and harrison lot had just been denmark street song writing hacks instead of a mystifyingly popular pop group. they could even've been let in the brill building at a push. i could've liked them then. if the world had been introduced to 'something' via shirley bassey and sergio mendes and brasil 66 had been what dionne warwick had been to bacharach and david.. there'd've been none of that love me do nonsense or any handholding unless cilla wanted a crack at them maybe and norwegian wood would've never been tainted by moptops and that famous scouse wit and lani hall would've been adorded

sergio mendes & brasil 66 - norwegian woodhell i got distracted madly there. that's what sergio can do to a soul. listed songs i was on about. and witchita lineman. i would save glen's version. it's a special thing.
and sergio has done the definitive cover already so let's leave it at that.

in case you're not convinced of that mendes magic

and just to seal the deal

sergio mendes & brasil 66 - what the world needs now

Thursday 11 October 2007

you can't touch this

i've been reading about cover versions a lot lately especially at junkfood philosophy and pretending life is like a song and it all reminded me of a thing on elms a while back (sorry people that's robert elms who does the lunchtime show on bbc london and is often infuriating and often suprisingly good). it was about songs that should never be allowed to be covered, that should be listed and kept safe from the evil clutches of the terrible horrors who would do unspeakable things to them. i can't for the life of me remember what got picked in the end but i think it's a fine plan. 'a million things' by lowell george was there, and 'northern sky' i think.

anyway i thought maybe we could all have a go at choosing some.

it's way trickier than it should be.
i was going to say golden lady by stevie wonder but then i rembered how much i like the jose feliciano version. or all of what's going on but then there's that ace sarah vaughan inner city blues.
i wish i'd not started this now.

and just in case you'd forgotten just how immense stevie could be this is the greatest sesame street appearance you'll ever ever ever see ever

Wednesday 10 October 2007

calling captain autumn

the blogging bit of my brain has definitely turned to mush and been sneezed out in a terrible explosion of waffling rambling and the odd sharp edge from a broken bit of vinyl. how could i forget my long plotted plan for the big haircut one hundred thing when the polari doodah got around to h ? and how come now i've finally remembered i've forgotten what the hell i was going to put ? i amaze myself sometimes really i do.
so haircut 100 then. jumpers, big guitars, trousers tucked in big wooly socks, and each single not really as good as the one before.
that can't be all i had to say surely...
there was something about guitars, how in my world kids would venture into guitar shops and instead of playing some monstrous rock riff they'd hitch a huge red semi acoustic way up high and strum furiously but delightfully the opening chords of favourite shirts.
i don't care much for showing off, especially not with drums or guitars, and still insist the most marvelous guitaring is the mixed low flawless rhythm flowing all the way through move on up. drummers need look no futher than bernard purdies drumming lessons over at planet mondo

maybe the wise words of nick heyward his very self will help...

'the way i see it is that - around 10 - monkees is all you listen to. then - around 13 - you start to disown all those records and you go to discos and start meeting girls. then you start listening to jazz and getting into all this wierd stuff. then you get so depressed with it you cut all your friends off and have a short haircut and get out all your old monkees albums again and start, y'know, enjoying yourself'

'my life's ambition is to live inside a transparent rock. you must've had dreams about sitting in something and watching everything go by. it would be brilliant. not to get old and just watch history. and drink tea. and give people anaemic looks. and wait for girls to come from scotland who've got pale skin and freckles...'

haircut 100 - favourite shirts (boy meets girl)

it wasn't all cheeky grins and saucily tipped hats though. they could get the public all up in arms and organizing themselves into well armed vigilante groups baying for blood...

Sunday 7 October 2007

hello heartface

now i know we're renowned for our lax and shoddy ways round here but three months between lessons is kind of ridiculous so let's leap right into polari mode before kenneth realises just how bad we've been. if he catches you tell him you've been in tangier with babs or something...

h is for

meaning money. nante handbag is so much nicer than skint now ain't it

and for

your new favourite term of affection

to get us back up to speed we could probably do with a bit of help from kenneth and hugh so listen carefully duckies

julian and sandy - bona prods

as a rule we only thank our american chums for quality tunes and spelling doughnuts donuts but today we'll add a US of Stateside greeting i wish we heard more here...


most especially grand in a howdy ladies, you're looking mighty fine this morning kind of way(as actually in real life said to us in a nowhere town on route 66 ("we were somewhere around barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold") by a lovely wrecked already old boy) or anything involving hat tipping.

i couldn't decide on a record so to make up ever so slightly for keeping you waiting so long have two.

lush stereolab croony lovliness

high llamas - cookie bay

and a mad collision of modal and latin jazz

horace parlan - congalegre